On The Couch: TMNT
by memyselfandi89
Summary: The TMNT characters get a little professional help for all their problems. Something is telling me this is NOT gonna work out well.
1. Splinter

_Summary: The TMNT characters get a little professional help for all their problems. Something is telling me this is NOT gonna work out well. _

_A/N: I'M SORRY!! I'm gonna try to do all the characters and am more than open to suggestions since I'm gonna be posting this as chapters are finished. I might do this in more than one fandom but that would be in a separate fic. Once again you have my apologies. (looks at the characters) Eh-heh... I'm so dead._

_Disclaimer: I do not own TMNT but I've got a pair of foam covered plastic 'chucks. So there!_

* * *

On The Couch: TMNT

"How does that make you feel?" asked the psychiatrist in her patented soothing, you-can-tell-me-all-your-problems, therapist voice.

The mutant rat looked at her in disbelief. "I have just spent the past 55 minutes _telling_ you how it makes me feel!" He exclaimed trying not to let his ever mounting irritation get the best of him.

"How what makes you feel?" asked Dr. Alexandria Persnickety Diddly-Doo. (sharp little bugger isn't she?)

"How being a mutant freak with four mutant freak sons who aren't even the same species and living in the sewers and fighting the foot who work for the super creepy bad guy who killed my master and constantly meeting up with new bad guys who want to kill and/or dissect us and/or use us for some sinister scheme and repelling alien and demon invasions and my sons using all the hot water in the shower before I get there and never replacing the toilet paper rolls when the old one is used up!!" Splinter shouted without taking a breath.

"Don't forget to breathe." Reprimanded Dr. Diddly-Doo helpfully.

Splinter sucked in a huge breathe that had him looking like me might explode if he got anymore air into him.

Dr. Diddly-Doo watched him for a few seconds when he didn't let it out. "Now let it out slowly. Like the gentle release of-"

"AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" screamed the rat at the top of his lungs. (wow, I didn't know he could hit notes that high.) "I can't take it anymore!" He got up and tried to run for the door but suddenly found his way blocked by some freaky albino dude wearing black robes and wielding a scythe.

"You can't leave," the Doctor informed him still sounding like a hypnotic recording. "You still have three minutes left of this session. I'd hate to have you pay for a full hour session and short you by three minutes."

"Oh, err, that is fine Dr. Diddly-Doo. I do not mind being shorted three minutes." Said Splinter with desperation in his voice as he frantically searched for a way around the creepy guy with the scythe.

"Goodness, no. I would never dream of taking advantage of my clients!" Exclaimed Dr. Diddly-Doo. "Now please sit back on the couch and we'll talk about how you feel."

"NOO!!" Screamed Splinter as he leapt at the black robed figure with his walking stick held ready to strike. His attack was blocked by the scythe but Splinter wasn't going to let anything keep him from his freedom and remaining sanity. In approximately 1.2367 seconds his opponent was laid out flat on the floor and the ninja rat had vanished out the door.

"I'll see you on Thursday for you're next appointment!" Dr. Diddly-Doo called after him.

Splinter's horrified scream echoed across the streets of New York.

"So," she turned to the black clad figure who was picking himself up from the floor, "who's got the next appointment Mr. Grim Reaper?" (like you hadn't guessed who he was already).

He pulled a clipboard from his dress, er, _robe_ and handed it to the good doc.

"Oh, good. I've wanted to meet Raphael for a while now." She said with a delighted smile.

Across the city Raph suddenly got the strangest feeling of impending doom.

* * *

_Please don't kill me! The bunny made me do it! (holds up adorable black and white bunny with a twitchy nose, big ears and deep brown eyes) Don't let it's appearance fool you, it's evil I tell you! Evil!_

_Btw would anyone care to review?_


	2. Raphael

_Okie Dokie, now let us see how Raphael fares shall we?_

* * *

Raph was walking down a dark alley towards a manhole feeling rather good after a night of beating up stupid punks with Casey when suddenly a really weird guy wearing a black dress popped up out of nowhere. He was carrying a stick thingy with a blade that looked kinda like one of those really old razors to the turtle only a lot bigger.

Raph just couldn't resist raising an eye ridge and commenting, "Nice dress."

The Reaper glared at him, "It's a robe!" he snapped. He absolutely hated his precious robe being called a dress.

"Yeah, whateva," growled Raph. "Who are ya an' waddya want?"

"I'm the Grim Reaper and I've come to escort you to your counseling session with Dr. Diddly-Doo." Said the Reaper with his eyes fixed on his cue cards.

Raphael crossed his arms and glared at him rebelliously. "Nuh-uh, not gonna happen."

"Is too," smirked the Reaper as he pulled out a magic wand, gave it a wave and transported them to the doctor's office in a swirl of sparkly fairy dust.

Raph dusted the annoying fairy dust off him and glanced around the office in surprise. "Oh my god you freak!" he yelled. "I can't believe you've got a freakin' fairy wand! You are so gay!"

The Reaper looked at Raph with a pout on his lips and his eyes filling with tears. "I'm not gay!" he cried.

"You've got a _fairy wand_." Said Raph with a lot of emphasis on 'fairy wand' "Hello, you're Death! Death is supposed to be scary and macho with sweet scythe not a pansy fairy wand. You are too gay!" He snapped

"Doctor!" Screamed Reaper, "Raphael is calling me gay and making fun of my fairy wand that Santa gave me for Easter."

"Now, now Raphael," chided Dr. Diddly-Doo as she came into the room, "That was not nice. Now I want you to apologize to the Grim Reaper."

"Don't you mean the Gay Reaper?" Asked a smirking Raph.

"Do-cto-r!" wailed the Reaper piteously.

"Raphael!" Snapped the doc. "Apologize now!"

"NO!!" growled Raph as his hand when to the hilt of one of his sai.

"Alright, that's it! Get out of my office and don't come back until you're ready to apologize to the Grim Reaper!"

"Yippie!" yelled Raph happily, having no intention of ever apologizing. "Won't be seeing ya." He called back as he jumped out the window and ran for his life. "I can't wait 'till I tell Masta Splinta that I got one up on the crazy shrink!"

He stopped suddenly as he realized that he had no idea where he was thanks to a certain gay guy and his stupid fairy wand.

For a second he considered going back and asking for directions but the thought of going anywhere near the nutty shrink an the Gay Reaper made him feel sick. "I'll think I'll just call Donnie and have him pick me up. He's got those tracker dealies in our shell cells doesn't he? Besides I've got to warn the others as soon as possible. Who knows who's next on her list!"

Back at the office Dr. Alexandria Persnickety Diddly-Doo was checking her list and smiling.

* * *

_(puppy dog eyes) Review? Please? Even if you just say 'Pizza'._


	3. Leonardo

_A/N: Gee, you people are all being so nice to me. Makes me feel special. Up now it's Leonardo a.k.a. Fearless Leader v.s. Dr. Alexandria Persnickety Diddly-Doo a.k.a. the Crazy Shrink. Who will truimph?!_

* * *

Leonardo was in the dojo running through his weapons katas and worrying about Master Splinter. He hadn't been himself ever since his appointment with that psychiatrist in the morning. It was now around noon and he'd yet to come out of his room. 

For the life of him, Leo couldn't figure out what was wrong with his sensei. He'd been fine when he left, eager even, but he'd come back a quaking, nervous wreck muttering about demon psychiatrists and their creepy helpers. When Leo had asked him what was wrong Splinter turned his wild and crazed eyes to him and shrieked "I will not tell you how I feel! You will not defeat me evil one!" With that he had turned and fled to his room.

About an hour and a half later Raph had called and warned them about some psycho shrink and the Gay Reaper (whoever that was) who where coming to get them all. If Leo hadn't seen what had become of Master Splinter with his own eyes he would have thought Raph had completely lost it.

Now Leo was really worried. If she could just snatch Raphael like that who knew who was next?!

Groaning, Leo leaned against a pillar and closed his eyes. Suddenly the pillar disappeared and only Leo's quick reflexes saved him from falling head first surrounded by sparkly fairy dust into the lap of the one (and thankfully, only) Dr. Alexandria Persnickety Diddly-Doo.

Slowly, the blue masked turtle opened his eyes and brought his wary and guarded gaze up to meet the infamous doctor's eyes. Her warm brown eyes framed by downy blonde hair fairly overflowed with so much sympathy, understanding, wisdom, empathy, and compassion that it left no doubt in Leo's mind about the character of this woman. She could only be one of, if not _the most_, evil person to ever walk the earth. Shell, this lady probably tried to save goldfish from drowning!

Well, Leo was no helpless goldfish; he wasn't going down without a fight.

He tightened his grip on his katanas only to realize that he no longer held them. His eyes widened. "Where are my swords?!" He cried.

"Hmm," Dr. Diddly-Doo scribbled a few notes. "Insecurity issues."

The window! Raphael had escaped through the window. The curtains were drawn but Leo noticed they were moving in a breeze. "You'll never take me alive evil one!" vowed Leo as he turned and leaped for the window.

SMACK!!

Leo connected hard with the _closed_ window and slumped to the floor watching the pretty little multi-colored stars spin around his head.

"Oh dear me," exclaimed the doctor. "Suicidal tendencies? This is quite serious. Mr. Reaper, would you kindly place the poor, deranged, mutant, turtle on the couch please."

"Certainly doctor." Said the Reaper.

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle." Muttered a disoriented Leo from the floor. Hmm that must be the Gay Reaper Raph had mentioned.

The Reaper picked the turtle up from the floor and Leo finally saw where he had gone wrong with his escape plan. There was a vent blowing directly beneath the curtain causing it to ripple like the window was open. Leo groaned in disgust.

"Now, now Leonardo." chided Dr. Diddly-Doo as the Reaper placed the blue masked turtle on the couch, "There will be absolutely _no _suicide attempts during this appointment. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"

Leo looked at her blearily. "I didn' know ya hadda twin." He slurred as he squinted at the blurry images in front of him.

"Paranoid delusions," noted the doctor making more scribbles on her clipboard.

"Hey," Leo perked up a little. "You two said that in sync." Observed the loopy turtle. The doctor stopped scribbling and looked up. "Oh dear me." She held her hand out in front of her and raised four fingers. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Leo blinked at her. "Who? You or you?" he asked pointing first at her then at a spot somewhere off to her right.

"The first one dear." She answered.

"Uhh, I dunno. Seven?" guessed the turtle.

"Oh goodness." Cried Dr. Diddly-Doo. "It seems you gave yourself a concussion. Mr. Reaper, would you please send Leonardo home. I'm sorry Leo dear, but I'm afraid we will have to continue this some other time."

Hope filled Leo's eyes. "Really?"

"Yes dear, I'm sorry. Do tell your Master Splinter 'hello' for me."

The next second Leo found himself back in the lair on the couch.

"Well," He thought. "That could have been worse. Saved by the concussion, I guess."

"My son!" exclaimed Splinter. "What happened?"

"Sensei, I… that is to say it didn't… umm… huh?" Leo blinked owlishly at the rat.

Splinters eyes widened in horror. "Was it… _her_?"

"Yes Master."

* * *

_Well, I'm not sure if that was a draw or if Leo won. Depends on your POV I guess. Who's the next victim? I have no idea but if you review I'm sure I can figure something out. _


	4. Casey

_A/N: Okay this would have been up earlier but I had to write it out on paper due to certain younger sisters who can't stop chatting online with total strangers (why oh why did I ever introduce her to email?) So anyway it's up now. Oh, and the good doctor is feeling rather irked about loosing her last two patients. It's payback time! MWAHAHAHAH!!! (I love to laugh evily)_

* * *

Casey had the purple dragon punk cornered as he raised his favorite hockey stick and moved in to finish him off. He brought the stick down with enough force to jar the thugs ancestors but just before it connected with the dragons head Casey suddenly found himself in an office instead of a dark alley and instead of bashing in the skull of a smelly blue haired gangster the hockey stick connected with the head of some black clad wacko with no tan whatsoever.

Casey blinked and stared at his unintentional victim then at his hockey stick, "Huh?" he asked intelligently.

"Mr. Jones," snapped an angry voice from behind him. "I do not appreciate you braining the Grim Reaper for no reason whatsoever."

"What?! I didn't mean to brain you little lackey!" Casey suddenly did a double take and gulped. "Ahh, you wouldn't happen to be Dr. Diddly-Doo, would ya?"

She smiled pleasantly at him, "That's my name, don't wear it out." Her smile disappeared and she snapped, "Now sit down and tell me every personal detail of your sorry sob story so you can tell me how you feel!"

Terrified, Casey almost tripped over the unconscious form of the Grim Reaper in his haste to obey.

"Where do you want me to start?" he asked.

"Oh, just begin by telling me the worst thing that's ever happened to you in as much detail as possible until you're a sobbing emotional mess. That will do for starters."

Casey gulped, "Do I gotta?"

Dr. Diddly-Doo's hand tightened dangerously on her pencil and clipboard as she glared daggers at him. Casey let out a very unmanly squeak of terror and delved into his tale.

Once he was a sobbing emotional mess he peered at the doctor and whimpered piteously, "Are we done now?"

"Oh now, now you have to tell me how that made you feels" she said.

"It … it made me… feel… baa-aad!!" wailed the big, tough, sobbing vigilante.

"Excellent!" crowed the evil doctor rubbing her hands gleefully together. "Now tell me why you felt bad."

"Because I didn't like it," Casey sniffed.

"No good!" Snapped Dr. Diddly-Doo, "Give me more detail, more emotion!"

Sobbing, Casey gave her more detail and more emotion, sacrificing whatever scraps may have remained of his manly pride.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity to Casey, the hour long session over.

"Well Mr. Jones," soothed the doctor, rather pointlessly. "I feel we've really made a lot of progress here."

"Can I go now?" Casey asked, "That would make me feel elated and joyful because this session has drained me emotionally and I need to regroup. Plus you scare the crap outta me lady."

"There, you see?!" Cried Dr. Diddly-Doo in delight, "You've learned to analyze you feeling already. Splendid. Mr. Reaper," she turned to the Reaper who had just regained consciousness two minutes ago and was swallowing Tylenol like it was being discontinued. "Would you please send Mr. Jones home?"

"Uh-huh," groaned the Reaper.

Casey found himself back in his apartment surrounded by sparkly fairy dust. "Ugh, that is so gay," He muttered. "I gotta go tell the guys 'cause they're my family now and I would feel terribly guilty if I don't help them fight this nutcase."

He ran down to the garage, jumped on his motorcycle and roared off to the lair. "Guys!" He yelled, "Hey guys! That shrink gotta hold of me ands he made me feel very sad and emotionally conflicted because she make me tell her all the bad stuff that happened to me."

Splinter heard all this then ran across the lair to his room screaming, "I won't tell you how I feel! I won't!!"

Donnie, April and Mikey all looked at each other nervously wondering what fate would befall them.

* * *

_Wow, I didn't even know Casey knew some of those words. I feel sorry for the poor guy. (looks over at the adorably cute, oh so innocent looking bunny) You're a very cruel and vindictive bunny. So if you're still liking this how about feeding the evil bunny to see what she cooks up next? She likes reviews, carrots and chocolate chip cookie dough._


	5. Group Session

_A/N: Okay I'm back! I was just at the Regional Karate Tournament and let me say, it was freakin' awesome!! I had so much fun. It also helped that I got second in weapons, second in sparring, and first in forms! BOOYAH!! Only down side is that it was like seven hours away so I had way to much car time. Yeah so anyway, bragging aside, here's the next chapter which was typed up with all haste as soon as I got home. Oh and, ahh, the chocolate chip cookie dough was NOT a good idea. I've now got a very fat, very hyper bunny on my hands and... well... this is what happened. _

* * *

While Donnie, April and Mikey where pondering their horrible fate, Splinter was adamantly refusing to talk about how he felt, Casey not shutting up about how he felt, Raph making death threats and throwing his sai, and Leo being a poor concussed turtle, Dr. Diddly-Doo had her hands full with a group therapy session. A very large group. To be precise the entire Foot Clan along with all their employees, lackeys, cannon fodder ect. She'd wanted to have Bishop in on the session as well but he was already seeing a different psychiatrist. 

"So Mr. Shredder," She began but was interrupted.

"You will address me as Master Shredder! Or if you prefer simply Master," growled the Shredder in that deep, Darth Vader imitation voice.

"Listen you," the doctor said in her sweet I-will-skin-you-alive-and-roast-you-on-a-spit voice. "I'm in charge here and you will do _as_ I say _when _I say and _how_ I say. I do not take orders from you so I'll call you whatever I please!" She whipped around to look at a couple of Purple Dragons who had found her peanut stash and where helping themselves. "Stop eating all my nuts you stupid lugs!" she screamed.

Karai leaned over and quietly asked the Shredder, "Master, why exactly are we here?"

"I'm sure there's a good reason." He said, "after all it was labeled urgent on my PDA"

"Oh, very well." The ninja looked over at Hun and the Purple Dragons. "But why are Hun and the Purple Dragons here?"

"That's because…" the Shredder paused as a look of confusion passed over his face (well what could be seen of it from behind his helmet) "Hun, why _are_ you here?"

The big behemoth shrugged. "I dunno. Last thing I remember the boys an' I where robbing the Senior Citizen bus Jesse James style then all of a sudden we're here and there's this sparkly crap getting all over my gangsta clothes."

"Teleportation?" asked Dr. Stockman in his so-much-better-than-you-pathetic-morons voice. "Seeing as I have not yet focused my unmatched genius along those lines I would have to say that it is simply impossible." Somehow, despite being a brain in a jar, Stockman managed to finish his speech with a smirk.

They heard snickering coming from behind them. Turning around they saw the newly re-dubbed Gay Reaper standing there. "I used this." He said proudly holding out the Industrial Grade Fairy Wand 5000 (for when the average fairy wand just won't do).

"Wow!" gasped Nick the Random Foot Soldier. "Where'd you get that Industrial Grade Fairy Wand 5000 with the customized dust colors?"

"Fairy Gear Inc. in one of six convenient locations."

"Sa-weet!"

Dr. Diddly-Doo clapped her hands together twice which caused the lights to go from glaring to soothing; it also turned off Stockman. "It's time to begin. Would someone please turn Dr. Stockman back on?"

Paul, a friend of Nick the Random Foot Soldier, reached into his pocket and pulled out a shuriken which he threw at the on/off switch on Stockman. He ended up hitting Dragon Face's hand who had reached over to turn the scientist back on himself (maybe hoping to land himself a date with the doc (the girl one)).

The big tough Purple Dragon stared at his hand with its new addition for a full 5 seconds then he grabbed it, brought it up to his face, stared at it for another 5 seconds, and then started screaming.

"AAAAHHHHHH!!!"

"Argh!" yelled the Shredder. "You stupid miscreant!" He marched over to the gangster, picked him up and promptly threw him through the window (apparently Leo running into it so hard had softening it up).

Karai gave a contented sigh. "Ahh, much better. Shall we begin now?"

"First," Said the psychiatrist "Is Dragon Face alright?"

Nick peeked out the window. "Oh, he's fine. An old lady and her cat broke his fall."

"Excellent." She sat back balancing her clipboard on her knee. "So who would like to go first?"

"I am the Shredder! I shall rule the world!" Growled the Shredder with his fist raised above his head.

"It's so nice to see an ambitious young man who knows what he wants in this world." Commented Dr. Diddly-Doo.

"Hey!" whined Hun pathetically. "What about me? I wanna rule the world too."

"Copycat syndrome." She muttered. "I would recommend getting a life." She glanced up at him. "And a haircut."

Hun gaped at her. "You don't like my hair?"

Karai snorted. "Please, it makes you look like a ballerina drop out."

"UHH!" Hun stared at all the mean ladies. "Master, you like my pony tail, right?"

Shredder peered at him. "Hmm, it _does_ make you look like a ballerina drop out." He mused.

"WAAHAAA!!" wailed Hun as he jumped out the window after Dragon Face.

Dr. Diddly-Doo glared after him. "What is it with my patients and that window?" she muttered.

Purple Dragon, a two-bit Purple Dragon with no imagination whatsoever, glared at the Shredder. "You Foot people are so mean! The Dragons aught to beat the livin' daylights outta you all!"

"You will do no such thing!" said the Shredder. "I am the Shredder and I'm better then you all!"

"Oh yeah? Come on Dragons, let's get 'em!" With that the Dragons pulled out various clubs, chains, and Big Macs and the Foot pulled out various swords, daggers, and Pepperoni Pizzas (pizza must be a ninja thing). Next thing the doctor and the Reaper knew the chains where swinging the swords where slicing and the fast food was being woofed down with large Cokes.

"Should I stop them doctor?" Asked the Reaper.

"Oh goodness no," she said. "This is good for them to work out their issues with each other."

The Reaper watched Purple Dragon the Purple Dragon get run through by Nick. "Oh. I can see how this will help."

At the end of the hour session there were considerably fewer Purple Dragons and Foot but the ones who where remaining where swapping stories and tips for hair products. Hun and Dragon Face had come back about halfway through the session and where having an animated conversation with Nick and Paul regarding french fries v.s. bread sticks.

"Well," said Dr. Diddly-Doo. "I'm very proud of you all." They all blushed and scuffed their toes. "In fact you've done so well I'm paying for lunch for you all!"

"YAY!" they all cheered.

The Reaper held up a hand full of coupons, "Who wants Schnitzel?"

* * *

_Okay lets see; Splinter and Casey are traumatized, Raph got off scot free, Donnie, April and Mikey are angsting, Leo is still concussed, and the doc, Gay Reaper (who had the right idea with those tylenol but still has a headache) and most of the bad dudes are out to lunch. Mmm I'm hungry now. Well Bunny is on a diet now, no more cookie dough, but she can still have reviews and carrots. _


	6. Donnie

_A/N:_ _Okay it took me a while to think of something for this one. Whoops. Well I finally _did_ think of something. (glares at bunny) You are not doing your job! (bunny twitches nose and looks adorable). Yeah, sure, act innocent. I know better. _

* * *

Donatello was in his lab working on a way to block the Gay Reaper's fairy wand thingymabob when suddenly the tell tale dust began floating down around him. Sure enough his lab disappeared and was replaced with the infamous office and it's two trouble making tyrants. 

Donnie gave a mental sigh. Why did all the evil ladies have to be so dang hot? It just wasn't fair.

Dr. Diddly-Doo smiled pleasantly at him and held out… something towards him. "Schnitzel?" She asked. The purple masked turtle instantly felt his stomach lurch at the sigh then start churning when the smell reached his nose. He gulped, "Ehh, no thanks."

"There," she said. "Now you see that's your problem Donatello. You're not willing to try new things."

"I know what's _in_ those things." Said Donnie in disgust.

Dr. Diddly-Doo sniffed and put her purt little nose in the air. "There is such a thing as knowing too much. It's called Knowledilite Syndrome."

Don stared at her for a few seconds. "You made that word up."

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't." She gave a smug smile. "See you don't know everything."

"I know that's not a word."

"But do you know that for an absolute, undeniable fact?"

"I-" Donnie began a bit desperately but was cut off.

"Can you say with absolute certainty that 'knowledilite' is not in a dictionary?" She pressed. "Have you memorized every single word in every single dictionary?"

"I… well I…" Don tripped over his half formed sentences. "_Is_ that a word?"

Dr. Diddly-Doo leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. "What is a word? Sounds. Sounds that have a meaning, a meaning that someone gave them. New words are created, others are forgotten."

Donnie blinked at her. "Huh? Did you say you made that word up just now?"

"I did not!" Exclaimed the doctor, offended.

The Reaper gave a big smile. "I did. Well, actually I made it up last month when Albert Einstein had an appointment. He thought he knew everything."

Choosing to ignore the comment about Einstein, Donnie smirked and said, "So it's not a real word."

"Yes it is." Dr. Diddly-Doo insisted.

"He just admitted he made it up!" Exclaimed the turtle.

"But it has a meaning and that is what makes a word a word." The doctor said superiorly.

"A word he made up." Don ground out through his clenched teeth.

The doctor sniffed. "New words are made up all the time. A spelling, pronunciation, and meaning are all that is required to make a word."

"It's not in a dictionary!" Donnie cried in exasperation.

Dr. Diddly-Doo grabbed a Webster's Dictionary off the shelf behind her. Taking her pen she quickly wrote in 'knowledilite'. "There," She declared smugly. "Now it's in a dictionary."

"That doesn't count!" Screamed the turtle.

"What more do you want?" Diddly-Doo snapped. "It's in the dictionary. Apparently you also suffer from Technicalisticatitis."

"You made that one up too!"

By the end of the session the doctor had diagnosed Donatello with Knowledilite Syndrome, Technicalisticatitis, Finickism, Know-it-all-drom, and Speculatorybetterism. Donnie diagnosed himself with confusion and frustration with a high probability of primal rage followed by a killing spree.

Unfortunately, the Reaper transported him back to the lair mid-charge towards Dr. Diddly-Doo.

No worries. He missed hitting Raph by a whole two millimeters and only smashed Master Splinter's precious china.

No biggie.

Hehe… he was _so _dead.

* * *

_Well that's that. I SO wanted to say that Donnie went Postal but I wasn't sure if that was an American thing or not so I left it out. Darn it. Yeah, so the next one will either be up in a few days or after Sunday. Depends on if I can write it before I head off to SONSHINE!! One of the world's (or at least America's) best music festivals. WHOOHOO!!! _

_Oh, and please review? (looks towards adorable black lab) For him?_


	7. April

_A/N: Okay not exactly sure where the bunny dredged this up from. Maybe she got into the spices cabinet again. It does strange things to her. Like this. _

* * *

"Err, Doc?" asked the Grim Reaper nervously eyeing the most likely menstrual therapist who was busily drawing little hangmen on her charts with sadistic pleasure. "Do you think perhaps you should cancel your appointments for the day?" 

"NO!!" She cried with her nostrils flaring and crazed eyes gleaming. "I've got patients counting on me! I must not fail! They've got issues! Serious issues! I've got to do something!" She had been getting progressively closer to the Reaper as she continued her rant. By the time she got to her final sentence she had him by the front of his designer robe by Ralph Loren and was shaking him with each word. "Now what sorry piece of meat is next on the list?"

"April O'Neil" said a very, very, very, very, very, very, (you get the point) nervous Grim Reaper.

"Well get her in here!" Dr. Diddly-Doo screeched reaching levels of screech that had never before been screeched.

After the Reaper managed to extract his fingers from where he'd buried them deep inside his ears he pulled out his shiny gay fairy wand and powered it up. A moment later April O'Neil appeared in the cloud of customized dust colors.

April glanced around the office and growled in frustration. "I don't have time for this! I've to so much work to do in my shop! Do you know how many things Casey broke the other day that I have to replace?"

"Too bad missy!" snapped the Doc. "You're got an appointment with me and you're not getting out of it!"

"I didn't make an appointment with you!" said April clenching her hands into fists.

"Well you obviously need it and you've got it!" Dr. Diddly-Doo snapped her own hands tightening so hard that her clip board feared for its inanimate life.

April's eyes started to go a bit crazy. "You put me back _right now_!"

"NO!"

The Grim Reaper had been watching this conversation progress and getting more and more scared. _Are they? No, they couldn't be. Could they?_ The two ladies suddenly decided to take their verbal sparring match to the physical level and launched themselves at each other with hand open and nail ready to deal out damage. _Oh no! They are! They're both menstrual! _The Reaper wasn't the brightest radio active fish in the school but even he knew that this was bad beyond bad for his continued life (if death can be alive) so he grabbed his precious fairy wand and ran out the door (remembering to lock and block it behind him) and far far away without looking back. At least until the session was over.

_Back in the office…_

The office was not a very peaceful place at the moment. The hair was flying, the nails were scratching and the vocabulary was entirely untypeable. Well I'm sure you can imagine the utter destruction, the complete disregard for each other's well being, the wanton desolation of every piece of furniture and breakable items, the screaming, the blood splattered walls (okay fine, so that was a bit exaggerated – but not much). The old dude in the next office over finally had enough and called in a S.W.A.T. team to take care of them.

When the team finally managed to subdue the two ladies (injuries were incurred but their armor saved their lives) they put them in straight jackets for the trip back to prison.

April snarled at the doctor. "This isn't over!"

The doctor glared right back at her. "Of course it isn't! You have a follow up appointment next week!"

* * *

_Yeah, I'm not sure if I should be laughing or apoligizing for this one. Maybe I'll laugh while apologizing. Anyway the only one left is Mikey. I'm gonna be at Sonshine fest this weekend but it should be up soon after that. If not feel free to come hunting me with sharp objects or projectiles or whatever else you might happen to have with you. _


	8. Mikey

_A/N: Dang that took me longer than I thought it would to find time to write this then when I did have time the computer speakers weren't working and I CAN NOT write without my music playing. Don't know why, I just can't. So anyway those are finally kinda sorta fixed. _

_I just gotta say this SONSHINE ROCKED!!! Man it was awesome. I got to meet a couple of my favorite bands and rocked out at so many awesome concerts for three whole days!! WHOOHOO!!! Good times. Still a bit tired from that and my hair split is fried crispy (no shade there at all). _

* * *

Michelangelo was in the middle of wiping the floor with Donnie while they played 'Space Invaders III' when suddenly the ominous dust began to drift down around him. "AHH!! No! Donnie help! Don't let her-" The last thing Mikey saw was Donnie's horrified face and then he was no longer in the safety of the lair. 

"Hello Michelangelo," came a sweet, soothing voice from behind him.

"AHH!" Mikey gave his trademark girly scream (that we all love him for) and whipped around to face his adversary. "What do you want with me!?" he cried.

Dr. Diddly-Doo gave a sweet smile. "I want you to tell me everything and anything." She replied.

Mikey blinked at her in shock. "Everything? Anything?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yes."

The orange masked turtle stared at her for a moment, trying to decide if she was telling him the truth. "You're sure?"

The Therapist's eyes narrowed at him in warning. "Yes! Now start talking!"

A grin so big it threatened to tear his face in half appeared on Mikey's face. "SWEET!!" He yelled in excitement then started talking at a rate of about a million words a minute and his arms flew as they accentuated his words. "Okay so there was this one time when my bro's and I were like five years old and Master Splinter was teaching us how to go like all HI-YAH and WOO-HEE and so he's out there all going YAA and HEE-YO and then we're trying to follow him so we're all going AHHH-YAH, HEEEE-YA, AARR-GA!! But then Raph knocked over the rack of bokken and they're all like CRASH and then one hit me on the head really hard and I'm all like 'OWWW OWWW' and Master Splinter is all like 'RAPHAEL' and I'm still over there going 'OWW' and Raph's just like 'heehee, oops?' and he got like so many flips it took him all day to finish 'em and he had to clean up the dojo and-"

Dr. Diddly-Doo tried to get a word in, "Perhaps you could slow it down just a-"

Mikey never even paused in his retelling, being so thrilled that someone was finally letting him say whatever he wanted and not smacking him upside the head for it. He prattled on while the good Doctor tried desperately to get his attention and the Gay Reaper settled back on the couch with a bag of chips to enjoy the story.

_15 minutes later…_

Dr. Diddly-Doo was tapping her pencil on her clip board trying to block out Mikey's voice and concentrate on wide open fields and calm blue oceans.

It wasn't working.

The teenager was now re-enacting his great victory at the Battle Nexus and how he fought hard and long with great honor and became the _Battle Nexus Champion_!

The Reaper was leaning forward, eyes wide and attentive 'oohhing' and 'ahhing' in all the right places.

The therapist groaned.

_15 minutes later (which is to say 15 minutes after the previous 15 minutes thus making it a grand total of 30 minutes which is also half a session later)…_

"And then we're all like 'You won't defeat us! We're the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!' and then we all went all 'GRRR' and 'ARGH' on 'em and they're all like 'AHHH help!'and we're like-"

Dr. Diddly-Doo grabbed a couple of pillows and pressed them against her ears. No good. Mikey's voice penetrated all, be it pillows, a door, or a sound proof booth.

_Yet another 15 minutes later (making it a grand total of 45 in case you were wondering)…_

The poor therapist now ear plugs in, her head completely covered in pillows (which she had duct taped to keep them in place) with her hands clamped over her ears in a futile attempt to defeat _The Voice_.

The Reaper was now on his fourth can of Dr. Pepper and his sixth bag of chips.

Mikey was also on his fourth Dr. Pepper but he'd managed to polish off eight bags of chips without slowing down in his story telling.

_12 minutes later (bringing the total up to 57)…_

Dr. Diddly-Doo ripped the pillows off her head and yanked out the ear plugs. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!" She screamed. That being said she lunged for the door and ran through it. Right through it. As in cartoon style, straight through the wood leaving only a Diddly-Doo shaped hole in it.

"Ahh man," groaned the Reaper. "She's gonna miss the best part of your story! Oh well, I get to hear it." He settled himself down for the remaining three minutes and popped open his sixth can of Dr. Pepper.

_Epilogue (if I may dare to call it that)..._

When Mikey got home he was instantly swarmed by his worried family. Well sans Leo who had fallen flat on his face when he tried to get off the couch. Apparently his balance was still a bit off courtesy of his concussion.

"Mikey!" cried Donnie. "Are you okay? What'd she do to you? Are you permanently traumatized? Are you about to go insane? Do you remember us? Will-"

"Dude, I'm fine." Mikey cut him off.

They all stared at him (Leo's gaze was a bit off). "Fine!" They coursed in unison.

"Fine," repeated Mikey. "In fact, that was pretty fun!"

"FUN!!" They all screamed.

"Hey guys!" called Leo from his spot on the couch. "Quick come look at this news report!"

They hurried over to the TV's to see what had Leo all excited.

A reporter was on screen saying "The renown psychiatrist, Dr. Alexandria Persnickety Diddly-Doo was arrested just moments ago and sent to a high security mental ward where she will be receiving treatment for an as yet undiagnosed problem." A picture of the therapist sporting a very trendy straight jacket appeared on screen.

"GRR!" growled April. "DIE!!!" She grabbed a nerf gun that had been sitting on the floor and proceeded to shoot at the figure on screen laughing maniacally.

Master Splinter's eyes widened and hope reappeared in them. "She is… gone? For good? No more telling how I feel?"

"No more gay guys in black dresses?" Asked Raph.

"No more closed windows to run into?" questioned Leo from under an ice pack.

"No more making me cry like a baby?" Casey queried.

"No more confusing me with backward illogical logic?" Donnie inquired.

"No more cat fights with that crazy (expletive deleted)?" Asked April (she had to ask because I ran out of other words to use for questions)

"No more session!!?" cried Mikey in despair. "NOO!! I liked those!"

The entire group promptly jumped on him for daring to say that.

FIN

* * *

_Well that's that. The battle has drawn to a close. All hail the victorious Turtles and Company!! Oh and don't worry about the Reaper. Being her assistant was just some civic duty thing he had to do. A big thanks to everyone who dared to read this and even more thanks to those crazy enough to review! Help yourself to some pizza on the counter before my dog gets it. _


End file.
